I want to be honest with people about the journey, and the emotional roller coaster that I am sure we are about to jump on . I hope that by being honest about my feelings, fears, confusion and doubts, that it will help someone else not feel so alone if they ever decide to adopt. I am so fortunate to have the best support system in the world. People who are eager to hear every detail of the process, people who encourage, advise, guide and pray for us. People who will listen to every question, fear and moment of excitement. Our families are nothing less than supportive, and our friends are behind us all the way.
That being said, I wanted to update everyone on how our orientation class went. I wish I had some solid answer to this! I honestly feel more confused after the class, and I know this is just the beginning, so I'm sure this is normal. I know that our Creator holds all of the answers, even when it seems so unclear to me. As many times as I say this, and as many times as it's said to me, it is hard for me let go of control. The fear of the unknown can be crippling at times, and it doesn't have to be. God is ALL knowing and has a perfect plan, so why is it so hard to let Him handle it? This is an area where He needs to work on me for sure :)
When we started reading and learning about adoption, and exploring all of the different avenues, we thought we had a clear vision on how to go about it. We knew from the get go that we wanted to do a domestic adoption. We thought that a private adoption would be too costly, and that we wouldn't be able to raise the funds to pay for it. So we quickly pushed that aside. Then, we thought we would adopt from foster care, thinking that we could get a baby (under 1 year of age) this way. It is very low cost (or even free), and there are a few incentives from the state when you go this route. The child gets free medical care, free dental care, the adoptive family gets monthly stipend, and the child's in state college tuition is paid for. We figured this was the most feasible approach for us financially, so it seemed like a no brainer. Wrong.
We went to Place Of Hope in Palm Beach Gardens for their foster and adoption orientation class. They partner very closely with my church and I have heard great things about them. I was so delighted that it was a faith based child welfare organization and couldn't wait to dive right in! We showed up (10 minutes late, of course) to the class and I was prepared with my notebook to start taking notes. In the first five minutes, we learned that Place Of Hope can no longer process adoptions there due to some contractual changes within the county. They can still place foster children into homes and I believe they can still aid you in adopting from foster care, which was great news to us! That was until we realized that we can't use them as our agency due to the fact that we live in Martin County, and they are in Palm Beach County. DUH. I don't know why I didn't think of this.
Then he started talking about the average age of children that are up for adoption in the foster care system, and the age is much higher than we anticipated. The average age is 8. There are much younger children in the system, but a lot of times they are attached to a sibling group. At this time, we don't really feel like we are equipped to handle more than one child. There are obviously other circumstances where there are infants and younger children available, but I get the impression that the infants are placed in a temporary home (foster) and have a long waiting period of investigations before they are available to be permanently placed. Foster adoption was starting to sound like lesser of a clear choice than when we initially started.
He talked about the number of children in Palm Beach County alone that have been removed from their homes. Situations so volatile, that they have to be physically removed. 500 kids at all times are in need of a bed. 500 kids don't know where they are going to be sleeping. Who they will be living with. Who will love them. WOW. The verse Isaiah 1:17 kept coming to mind "Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless...".
On one hand, I wanted to start my MAPP (Model Approach to Partnership and Parenting, which is required to foster/foster adopt) immediately and take in all 500 kids. The thought of these children feeling hopeless, unloved, used, abused, hurt, terrified, worthless, alone...just breaks my heart. Sitting here typing this, tears welling up in my eyes, I want to reach out and hug each and every one of them.
On the other hand, I want to start a family with my husband. I still have the desire to bring home a baby, days old and start from there. To raise this child from infancy to adulthood. This is where I feel so conflicted. I feel selfish in so many ways a way, knowing that there are children out there right now that need homes at this very minute.
It raises so many questions on what route to pursue. Is private adoption really so far out of reach? Is foster adoption still on the table, even if we aren't likely to bring home a baby? Can we just win the lottery and buy a ranch with a 30 bedroom house and take in 60 kids? ;) If only!
I was able to talk to Jenny this morning for a little bit, and she is a wealth of knowledge and encouragement, so that helped me sort out some thoughts (more than she even realizes!). Jenny is a mama to 5 (3 biological and 2 adorable adopted twins) and she gave me some great contacts and a place to start locally. I would love some prayer for guidance and clarity as we attempt to move forward :)
I will try and keep this as short and sweet as possible. I just want to fill everyone in on where we are in our process, and how we got here. Bear with me :)
We got married about 2 and a half years ago, after over 4 years together... landing us at 7 and a half long blessed years together today. Like any other couple, we talked about our future plans, where we wanted to live, how many kids we wanted to have, how far apart they should be, etc...well, the funny thing with OUR plans is that they never seem to go how we think they should. We decided shortly after we got married that we wanted to start a family and casually started "trying". Everyone around us seemed to get pregnant so easily, and I had heard so many success stories of women struggling with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (which is what I struggle with) getting pregnant. I didn't start to worry too much until about a year after we got married and I sill wasn't pregnant. I started thinking to myself that it may not happen. I didn't want to come to terms with that. We hadn't really discussed in detail what our plan of action would be if we DIDN'T get pregnant, and talking about it with anyone (including my husband) made the possibility too much of a reality. A reality that I didn't want to deal with. I kept warding off the questions like "When are you having kids?", "Why don't you have kids yet? Y'all would make such great parents.", "Do you plan on having kids?" from rude well meaning strangers and acquaintances. I would always brush the question off with a casual "Oh, I've got plenty of nieces and nephews to keep me busy!" or "Oh, you know...whenever!", or "Whenever God decides it's time!", but the truth is, each time someone would ask, it would sting a little. I don't know why it was such a hard topic for me to bring up with my husband (or any of my family, really)... I think in a way, I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't do what women's bodies are designed to do. I felt like my body had failed me, and my body had failed my husband. I had always found pregnancy fascinating and couldn't wait until it was my turn for that. I started to fixate on the being pregnant part much more than the being a parent part. After about a year and a half of "trying" to conceive, we began to discuss what options we felt we had.
We came to the agreement that we did not want to pursue any medical treatment whatsoever. I sincerely commend people who go that route, but just like adoption, it isn't for everyone. I will never forget my husbands response when I asked him what we would do if we weren't going to pursue medical treatments, and we didn't get pregnant on our own. He said so nonchalantly "We will adopt. If we don't get pregnant on our own, then maybe God has a baby out there for us that needs us for their parents." (swoon). For some reason, his response caught me off guard. He said it like it had been the obvious choice all along. I let my own fears and doubts cloud my decision making. Right then and there, I could feel God working in my heart. He began to soften the edges, and remove the anxiety and disappointment of my un-pregnantness (like that fancy word I made up?). I started to not feel so alone. I started to have hope. I began to realize that just because we may not be able to conceive a child with our genetics, doesn't mean that child would be any less "ours". I began to realize that I can love a child that isn't biologically "ours". I began to realize that a pregnancy lasts 9 months, while the blessing of being a parent lasts a lifetime. I stopped focusing on the pregnancy part of becoming a mom, and started focusing on the parenting part of having children.
Over the last 6 months, God has really laid it on our hearts to really start pursuing this adoption option :) We both feel that this is the direction that He wants us to explore, so we will follow. It is scary, exciting, terrifying, hopeful...but we know that our God is faithful, He is GOOD, and He knows our child already. He knows the HOW and He knows the WHEN.
"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be " Pslam 139: 13-16
