Last Tuesday we met with the caseworker from Children's Home Society, and it went great! She answered all of our questions, was very patient with us, and made us feel really comfortable. After leaving the meeting with her, we agreed that we wanted to move forward with applying to the agency. She sent us home with a ton of paperwork to fill out and the beginning parts of homestudy. They included forms for us to get fingerprints, physicals, background checks, questionnaires about the types of disabilities/issues that we are wiling to take, and questions to help us write our "life stories". {the life story is around 75 questions, regarding everything from our childhoods, dating life, parents marriages, our marriage, and anything in between, and we each have to write our own}
I anxiously filled out our application and couldn't wait to start the rest of the paperwork! I completed the first portion that needed to be mailed (the application), and once that was sent, the rest of the process would begin. And then I let it sit...all week...I couldn't figure out a reason to why I hadn't dropped it in the mailbox. I was busy all week with my family in town, but the hard part was done. Then, on Sunday and church during worship, I realized that I was having trust issues. I was not believing God when He said He will make a way. I doubted His faithfulness. I thought there was no way possible that we could raise $17,000. That somehow, it just wouldn't happen. Once I realized what was holding me back, I was quickly able to bring back to focus the fact that my God is the provider, He is faithful, and that He wouldn't have called us to this if He wasn't going to make a way. I need to trust that, and not just say I trust it. I need to stop looking at the amount of money, and focus on why we are doing what we are doing. We ultimately want to create a family and to bring glory to God.
Which brings me to tonight...we got our application notarized, stamped and took it to the post office to send it off! We are so super dorky cool that I made my sister take pictures of us dropping it off. I looked at it like our equivalent of a picture of our pregnancy test :)
So as for now, we just continue the homestudy process (all of that paperwork I mentioned, and a few visits...oh, and a whole lot of money!) and wait for approval. This could take a couple of months, so please pray for patience along the way while we await approval :)
We have been saving our coins, and my dad gave me his bucket of change too, along with some other money we just randomly scrounged up, we had $12 over our application fee in our special baby savings account. God is good like that!
Since the last update, we have made some progress. I am quickly learning trying to learn that every single, little, step in this process is a step toward bringing a baby home. It is so heartwarming the people that come out of the woodwork when they hear you are adopting. I have met some new friends, and been given the name and numbers of at least a dozen people from friends that have friends who adopted. I have had the privilege of meeting some of these women in person, talking with some on the phone, and emailing a few back and forth. I still have a few more on the list to reach out to, and I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing these people have been so far. I am starting to get the sense that the adoption community is pretty open to share their stories, and pretty tight nit.
We have been praying and talking it over between ourselves and amongst friends and family, and other adoptive families and we think we have reached a decision on how to proceed. We are pretty sure at this point that we want to go with a private adoption. I know we mentioned foster adoption in the beginning, but after prayerfully considering it and finding out more information about it, we just don't think it's right for us at this time. In the future, we definitely want to revisit this option. At this point, we want to start a family and raise a child from infancy. This is why private adoption is looking like the most viable option for us, since adopting through foster care will most likely be a much older child (average age 8). I was really struggling with this at first, feeling very selfish, but then realized that we are still saving a child from a situation that could be less than ideal.
There are two basic ways you can go about a private adoption. One being through an attorney and one being through an agency. After some research, we are leaning more toward an agency. You pay a little bit more, but your funds are more secure (ie, if you have a failed adoption {the birth mother decides to keep the child}, your agency fees are still applied toward your next match...as where a lawyer typically bills hourly, from what I am understanding {please correct me if I am wrong})
Which brings us to my LEAST favorite topic when it comes to adoption. MONEY. To be frank, it costs a crap load of money. To the tune of $15,000+. It can go way, way up (to around $35,000) from there, but the agency that we are seriously considering is about $17,000. I don't know about you, but we don't have an extra $17,000 laying around. We will be scrimping and saving and fundraising to achieve our goal of becoming parents and making a beautiful life for a child.
As of right now, we are saving up for our application fee, which will be followed by our homestudy. Each step has a price tag, and fortunately, it is not due all at one time.
We are pairing up with my friend Karen (her blog is http://smithfamilyimport.com/index.html) and her hubby to have a gigantic yard sale. They are currently in the process as well! We would love to collect items to sell at our event, and as of right now, we plan on having it June 29th. If you have any items that you would like to donate, please let us know and we would be happy to pick them up and take them off your hands! :)
I am also saving in small ways, such as not spending any coins. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I cashed in $80 worth of coins yesterday! It adds up quickly, and I didn't miss it one bit. I think I will also start doing this with $1 bills as well.
Karen and I have another fundraising idea in the works, which will be a ton of fun for everyone, so you will have to stay tuned on this one!
I am going to need a lot of help with fundraising ideas, so if you have any brilliant ideas, please share!
The last thing I want to say is, I am completely humbled and blown away by peoples generosity. Every donation and gift add up. Tonight we received a phone call that someone is donating a very large item for us to sell. We are so humbled and honored and moved that this person is doing this, and as hard as it is to accept such a large gift, we know that it means a lot to this person. You know who you are, and we love you and thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your unbelievable generosity!!
We know that God would not have put this on our hearts so strongly if He wasn't going to provide a way for it to happen. God knows we don't have $17,000 laying around. And He also already knows our precious child. He knows the hows and the whens. We are putting one foot in front of the other, and having faith that He will pave the way. As my sweet friend Mandie said tonight "GOD isn't done yet!! This is just the beginning!!". I know by obeying His will, we will be immeasurably blessed!
I want to be honest with people about the journey, and the emotional roller coaster that I am sure we are about to jump on . I hope that by being honest about my feelings, fears, confusion and doubts, that it will help someone else not feel so alone if they ever decide to adopt. I am so fortunate to have the best support system in the world. People who are eager to hear every detail of the process, people who encourage, advise, guide and pray for us. People who will listen to every question, fear and moment of excitement. Our families are nothing less than supportive, and our friends are behind us all the way.
That being said, I wanted to update everyone on how our orientation class went. I wish I had some solid answer to this! I honestly feel more confused after the class, and I know this is just the beginning, so I'm sure this is normal. I know that our Creator holds all of the answers, even when it seems so unclear to me. As many times as I say this, and as many times as it's said to me, it is hard for me let go of control. The fear of the unknown can be crippling at times, and it doesn't have to be. God is ALL knowing and has a perfect plan, so why is it so hard to let Him handle it? This is an area where He needs to work on me for sure :)
When we started reading and learning about adoption, and exploring all of the different avenues, we thought we had a clear vision on how to go about it. We knew from the get go that we wanted to do a domestic adoption. We thought that a private adoption would be too costly, and that we wouldn't be able to raise the funds to pay for it. So we quickly pushed that aside. Then, we thought we would adopt from foster care, thinking that we could get a baby (under 1 year of age) this way. It is very low cost (or even free), and there are a few incentives from the state when you go this route. The child gets free medical care, free dental care, the adoptive family gets monthly stipend, and the child's in state college tuition is paid for. We figured this was the most feasible approach for us financially, so it seemed like a no brainer. Wrong.
We went to Place Of Hope in Palm Beach Gardens for their foster and adoption orientation class. They partner very closely with my church and I have heard great things about them. I was so delighted that it was a faith based child welfare organization and couldn't wait to dive right in! We showed up (10 minutes late, of course) to the class and I was prepared with my notebook to start taking notes. In the first five minutes, we learned that Place Of Hope can no longer process adoptions there due to some contractual changes within the county. They can still place foster children into homes and I believe they can still aid you in adopting from foster care, which was great news to us! That was until we realized that we can't use them as our agency due to the fact that we live in Martin County, and they are in Palm Beach County. DUH. I don't know why I didn't think of this.
Then he started talking about the average age of children that are up for adoption in the foster care system, and the age is much higher than we anticipated. The average age is 8. There are much younger children in the system, but a lot of times they are attached to a sibling group. At this time, we don't really feel like we are equipped to handle more than one child. There are obviously other circumstances where there are infants and younger children available, but I get the impression that the infants are placed in a temporary home (foster) and have a long waiting period of investigations before they are available to be permanently placed. Foster adoption was starting to sound like lesser of a clear choice than when we initially started.
He talked about the number of children in Palm Beach County alone that have been removed from their homes. Situations so volatile, that they have to be physically removed. 500 kids at all times are in need of a bed. 500 kids don't know where they are going to be sleeping. Who they will be living with. Who will love them. WOW. The verse Isaiah 1:17 kept coming to mind "Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless...".
On one hand, I wanted to start my MAPP (Model Approach to Partnership and Parenting, which is required to foster/foster adopt) immediately and take in all 500 kids. The thought of these children feeling hopeless, unloved, used, abused, hurt, terrified, worthless, alone...just breaks my heart. Sitting here typing this, tears welling up in my eyes, I want to reach out and hug each and every one of them.
On the other hand, I want to start a family with my husband. I still have the desire to bring home a baby, days old and start from there. To raise this child from infancy to adulthood. This is where I feel so conflicted. I feel selfish in so many ways a way, knowing that there are children out there right now that need homes at this very minute.
It raises so many questions on what route to pursue. Is private adoption really so far out of reach? Is foster adoption still on the table, even if we aren't likely to bring home a baby? Can we just win the lottery and buy a ranch with a 30 bedroom house and take in 60 kids? ;) If only!
I was able to talk to Jenny this morning for a little bit, and she is a wealth of knowledge and encouragement, so that helped me sort out some thoughts (more than she even realizes!). Jenny is a mama to 5 (3 biological and 2 adorable adopted twins) and she gave me some great contacts and a place to start locally. I would love some prayer for guidance and clarity as we attempt to move forward :)
I will try and keep this as short and sweet as possible. I just want to fill everyone in on where we are in our process, and how we got here. Bear with me :)
We got married about 2 and a half years ago, after over 4 years together... landing us at 7 and a half long blessed years together today. Like any other couple, we talked about our future plans, where we wanted to live, how many kids we wanted to have, how far apart they should be, etc...well, the funny thing with OUR plans is that they never seem to go how we think they should. We decided shortly after we got married that we wanted to start a family and casually started "trying". Everyone around us seemed to get pregnant so easily, and I had heard so many success stories of women struggling with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (which is what I struggle with) getting pregnant. I didn't start to worry too much until about a year after we got married and I sill wasn't pregnant. I started thinking to myself that it may not happen. I didn't want to come to terms with that. We hadn't really discussed in detail what our plan of action would be if we DIDN'T get pregnant, and talking about it with anyone (including my husband) made the possibility too much of a reality. A reality that I didn't want to deal with. I kept warding off the questions like "When are you having kids?", "Why don't you have kids yet? Y'all would make such great parents.", "Do you plan on having kids?" from rude well meaning strangers and acquaintances. I would always brush the question off with a casual "Oh, I've got plenty of nieces and nephews to keep me busy!" or "Oh, you know...whenever!", or "Whenever God decides it's time!", but the truth is, each time someone would ask, it would sting a little. I don't know why it was such a hard topic for me to bring up with my husband (or any of my family, really)... I think in a way, I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't do what women's bodies are designed to do. I felt like my body had failed me, and my body had failed my husband. I had always found pregnancy fascinating and couldn't wait until it was my turn for that. I started to fixate on the being pregnant part much more than the being a parent part. After about a year and a half of "trying" to conceive, we began to discuss what options we felt we had.
We came to the agreement that we did not want to pursue any medical treatment whatsoever. I sincerely commend people who go that route, but just like adoption, it isn't for everyone. I will never forget my husbands response when I asked him what we would do if we weren't going to pursue medical treatments, and we didn't get pregnant on our own. He said so nonchalantly "We will adopt. If we don't get pregnant on our own, then maybe God has a baby out there for us that needs us for their parents." (swoon). For some reason, his response caught me off guard. He said it like it had been the obvious choice all along. I let my own fears and doubts cloud my decision making. Right then and there, I could feel God working in my heart. He began to soften the edges, and remove the anxiety and disappointment of my un-pregnantness (like that fancy word I made up?). I started to not feel so alone. I started to have hope. I began to realize that just because we may not be able to conceive a child with our genetics, doesn't mean that child would be any less "ours". I began to realize that I can love a child that isn't biologically "ours". I began to realize that a pregnancy lasts 9 months, while the blessing of being a parent lasts a lifetime. I stopped focusing on the pregnancy part of becoming a mom, and started focusing on the parenting part of having children.
Over the last 6 months, God has really laid it on our hearts to really start pursuing this adoption option :) We both feel that this is the direction that He wants us to explore, so we will follow. It is scary, exciting, terrifying, hopeful...but we know that our God is faithful, He is GOOD, and He knows our child already. He knows the HOW and He knows the WHEN.
"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be " Pslam 139: 13-16
